As usual, I don't know where to start writing. I've got so much that I want to share.
Around December of this past year I felt prophetically that I was going to be pregnant by March. I even knew that it would be February when I would find out - right before March began. I found out on February 25th that I was pregnant. Chuck and I were so excited. We decided after I miscarried in October to just put everything in God's hands. We knew we would be pregnant again in His timing. We were at peace. In the beginning of February, God gave me dreams...specific dreams regarding my children. My brother also had a dream that I was pregnant. It was so surreal when we found out. We were so in awe of God's faithfulness.
I called my doctor and went in for blood work on February 26th. They wanted to make sure everything was ok with this pregnancy. I never heard back from my doctor, which I knew meant everything was fine. However, every day I had to fight the fear of another miscarriage. Every day I had to wake up and pray and give my fear to God. I didn't think I had the strength to walk through another miscarriage. I've wanted children for so long. I just had to believe that everything would be ok. God had told me I was going to be pregnant. I had to believe it was His will for me to have this baby.
On Thursday, March 8th I woke up to get ready for work. I discovered that I was bleeding quite heavily. My heart dropped. I called in sick. I began praying for my baby. I emailed all of my prayer warriors, and I knew they were praying also. The bleeding died down. Before I left to go to the doctor (about 2 hours after I woke up to the bleeding), all of the bleeding had stopped. I was encouraged by that. I went to the doctor...she did an internal ultrasound. She didn't see the baby, but she didn't expect to since it was so early in the pregnancy. She did, however, see something on my cervix that was abnormal. Her fear was that it was an ectopic pregnancy...meaning the baby had implanted in my cervix rather than my uterus. Chuck and I went home. We prayed on the way home, and I really felt like everything was fine even though the doctor wasn't very encouraging. I had blood work done while I was at the doctor, and they were going to call me with the results on Friday. God was with us the entire time of waiting. He really took away all of the anxiety of having to wait.
Chuck and I got up early on Friday morning. We spent an hour praying together. That morning, I read the scripture John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid". We declared this scripture over ourselves. We really felt the peace of God. The doctor called me Friday around 11am. He told me that I was definitely having a miscarriage and there was no way this pregnancy would continue. He was still concerned that it was an ectopic pregnancy, so he told me to come back on Monday (today) for more blood work to determine if it was ectopic. He told me if it wasn't ectopic, then I would miscarry in 2 days to 2 weeks. If it was ectopic, then I would have to have something done to eliminate the pregnancy.
I was honestly shocked by his news. I really thought everything was ok. I called Chuck and let him know. I came in the house (I had been running errands), and I cried my eyes out and called out to God. After I stopped crying, I really felt the peace of God on me. I stopped and thought about how I had said I didn't have the strength to walk through another miscarriage, yet there I was walking through it again, and I was ok. I never had to have the strength. That is the point I was missing. My strength comes from God, and He was with me. Chuck left work to be with me. When he got home, I looked at him and said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm ok." He told me he was ok also.
I learned so much through this. I praise God for what I have experienced. I finally understand what it means to feel the joy of the Lord when you are walking through painful things. I feel even more in awe of God. This is what it truly means to be a child of God. I've read those scriptures that talk about the joy of the Lord through trials, but I honestly never thought it was really possible to feel it. I feel like God has brought me to a new level of intimacy. Greater intimacy with Christ is my heart's strongest desire. I feel God's favor right now...greater than I have ever felt it. It is so hard to describe how I feel. It sounds strange to say I feel God's favor after I have just had a second miscarriage, yet I absolutely feel it. Going through a second miscarriage took away all of my fear. I've died unto self a little more through this. It is God that gets me through everything. Without Him, the pain would be unbearable.
I know that Chuck and I will have children. I don't know when. I feel encouraged even still. I'm walking with God. He is in control. That is all I need to know. I'm sure that He has a plan and purpose with all of this. I trust Him completely. Maybe one day I will know why this happened...maybe I won't. It doesn't really matter. All that matters is that I have a Father that loves, adores and protects me. He knows what is best.