I turned 39 this week. I thought it would bother me, but it didn't. I found that I actually embraced it with enthusiasm. It's my last year of 30s - I'm hoping for big things this year...
I've been doing a lot of soul searching this week - I feel overwhelmed with all of the thoughts and emotions that have been flooding my mind and soul. Birthdays have always been a hard time for me...I figured out that it is because my father died when I was 8 - just before my 9th birthday. My most memorable birthday to date is when I turned 7. It was in the car as my dad, brothers and I were moving across country from Las Vegas, NV to LaGrange, NC. Boy was I a Princess that day!! My daddy bought me a present at every single stop - a new baby doll here, a plastic Big Boy there. It was incredible.
Ever since I can remember I have wanted a family like the Cosbys. I haven't given up hope - I feel certain that my family with my husband will be just that. One of the biggest things that hurt my heart this week was coming to the realization that my immediate family will never be like The Cosbys. What I realized is that my daddy was the glue that held us all together! That was such a strange revelation to have - 30 years after his death. I've somehow been carrying the burden of holding my very dysfunctional family together all these years. Wow - that has been a tiring journey. I see now that we are all individual pieces of a puzzle - connected in ways - but so disconnected. I have layed down that burden - it was never even mine to carry. I have a peace now but at the same time feel very sad. I think it is only natural to grieve - that is just God healing those old wounds that were in my heart. It is strange to see my brothers and my mother in my mind as separate entities - not one big cohesive group. I'm sure I will get used to it as God leads me in a new direction.
I will end with this quote, "Smile even though your heart is breaking - that's the time you must keep on trying - Smile - what's the use of crying. You find that life is still worth while if you just Smile."