Thursday, August 27, 2009

The Heart Exposed


Full of fear. Fear of what? I'm not even sure. Snuffed out. I felt snuffed out. My dreams were snuffed out. Death snuffs out so much. My heart was snuffed out. It was more than I could bear...the pain, the disappointment, the confusion. The loss was more than I could bear. There was no where to turn. I turned inwardly, and my world was rocked. I just had to make it through. Through what? Life I guess. I became like a robot. I became a conglomeration of what everyone in my life saw me as. I was this person for so long, that I'm only now discovering who I really am. It's freeing, yet so painful at the same time. I'm having to relearn me. I'm grieving the loss of myself. I hate that life. I am angry. I have so much to be thankful for, yet I hurt. I hurt so much. God has given me new desires, dreams, passions. Really God has given me back an old dream with a new passion for it...a dream that I thought would never even be possible. God has even shown me that I need to declare that these dreams are mine and that they are a reality. I've declared it, but this constant fight with my flesh is crippling. I'm so tired of having this shadow of death over me. I'm angry at it. It has taken the first 36 years of my life. Even today, I fight myself. It is so engrained in my flesh to start consoling tell myself that it doesn't matter if things don't go the way I want them to. IT DOES MATTER!!! IT DOES!!! I am shouting...NO MORE!!! IN JESUS NAME, I TAKE AUTHORITY OVER IT, AND I SCREAM, NO MORE!!!! I will not go back down that road. I know I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me. I know my Father wants to give me good and perfect gifts. I know that my Lord came and fought for me so that I may have life, abundant life. I give this pain and the identify that came with it to you Father. I give you all of my love and the depths of my heart. I give you the pits in my heart that the enemy dug to cause me grief and pain and turmoil. I know those pits are no more and my heart is filled with your love. I stand before You naked with a raw heart totally surrendered to You. I'm thankful for my dreams and desires. But more than anything, I'm thankful for YOU. I know You know the heartfelt emotion behind those words. Only You know the depths of my heart and the depths of my emotions. Thank you, Father, for New Life. Thank You for a life to spend with You. Thank You for redemption. Thank You that I am who You made me to be!! Simply Thank You!

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