Thursday, January 21, 2010

Lone Heart No More

The chaos is over. Life goes on as normal for everyone but me. I sit quietly, feeling so numb. The air is so still and quiet. The gentle breeze leaves me so empty - it smells of death and loneliness. I go through life - sometimes I forget, but most of the time I'm drawn back into the feeling of emptiness. Every spring day - every Easter, every birthday I long for my daddy.

It has been almost 31 years since his death. I haven't been reminded of the depth of my pain in so long until this week. My 45 year old uncle just died of a massive heart attack. He has two children and a wife. Though his children are older than I was, it was still such a familiar setting. Leon looked like he was going to get out of that casket at any moment. It broke my heart so much to see him there. It broke my heart even more to see his family so heartbroken. I know all too well what their journey will be like. I spent two days crying my eyes out and being consumed by that familiar emptiness. I couldn't understand why it was hitting me so hard.

Yesterday, God put a song on my heart - it is one of my favorite songs - The Heart of Worship. I couldn't remember the name of it, so I prayed for God to give me the name so I could download the song from itunes, and of course, He was faithful. As soon as I listened to the first few words, I understood why He put it on my heart...

When the music fades all is stripped away, and I simply come longing just to bring something that's of worth that will bless your heart...

Yesterday God gave me a picture of myself as an 8 year old little girl sitting all alone feeling a deep sadness. The music which was the chaos of the funeral had faded. I felt that everything I had known was stripped away and I was all alone. Jesus sat down beside me and filled that emptiness with His love. In an instant 31 years of pain was replaced with a love so sweet that you can't even fathom it.

Yesterday was one of those spring like days. I went and sat outside on our deck. When the gentle breeze blew across my face I knew it was the breath of my Lord. I felt His peace and love. It was so beautiful. I feel so blessed to have a God that loves me this much!!

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