Lone Heart No More

The chaos is over. Life goes on as normal for everyone but me. I sit quietly, feeling so numb. The air is so still and quiet. The gentle breeze leaves me so empty - it smells of death and loneliness. I go through life - sometimes I forget, but most of the time I'm drawn back into the feeling of emptiness. Every spring day - every Easter, every birthday I long for my daddy.

It has been almost 31 years since his death. I haven't been reminded of the depth of my pain in so long until this week. My 45 year old uncle just died of a massive heart attack. He has two children and a wife. Though his children are older than I was, it was still such a familiar setting. Leon looked like he was going to get out of that casket at any moment. It broke my heart so much to see him there. It broke my heart even more to see his family so heartbroken. I know all too well what their journey will be like. I spent two days crying my eyes out and being consumed by that familiar emptiness. I couldn't understand why it was hitting me so hard.

Yesterday, God put a song on my heart - it is one of my favorite songs - The Heart of Worship. I couldn't remember the name of it, so I prayed for God to give me the name so I could download the song from itunes, and of course, He was faithful. As soon as I listened to the first few words, I understood why He put it on my heart...

When the music fades all is stripped away, and I simply come longing just to bring something that's of worth that will bless your heart...

Yesterday God gave me a picture of myself as an 8 year old little girl sitting all alone feeling a deep sadness. The music which was the chaos of the funeral had faded. I felt that everything I had known was stripped away and I was all alone. Jesus sat down beside me and filled that emptiness with His love. In an instant 31 years of pain was replaced with a love so sweet that you can't even fathom it.

Yesterday was one of those spring like days. I went and sat outside on our deck. When the gentle breeze blew across my face I knew it was the breath of my Lord. I felt His peace and love. It was so beautiful. I feel so blessed to have a God that loves me this much!!

Smile :)

I titled today's post "Smile" as I'm listening to Smile by Michael Jackson. Such a bittersweet song...

I turned 39 this week. I thought it would bother me, but it didn't. I found that I actually embraced it with enthusiasm. It's my last year of 30s - I'm hoping for big things this year...

I've been doing a lot of soul searching this week - I feel overwhelmed with all of the thoughts and emotions that have been flooding my mind and soul. Birthdays have always been a hard time for me...I figured out that it is because my father died when I was 8 - just before my 9th birthday. My most memorable birthday to date is when I turned 7. It was in the car as my dad, brothers and I were moving across country from Las Vegas, NV to LaGrange, NC. Boy was I a Princess that day!! My daddy bought me a present at every single stop - a new baby doll here, a plastic Big Boy there. It was incredible.

Ever since I can remember I have wanted a family like the Cosbys. I haven't given up hope - I feel certain that my family with my husband will be just that. One of the biggest things that hurt my heart this week was coming to the realization that my immediate family will never be like The Cosbys. What I realized is that my daddy was the glue that held us all together! That was such a strange revelation to have - 30 years after his death. I've somehow been carrying the burden of holding my very dysfunctional family together all these years. Wow - that has been a tiring journey. I see now that we are all individual pieces of a puzzle - connected in ways - but so disconnected. I have layed down that burden - it was never even mine to carry. I have a peace now but at the same time feel very sad. I think it is only natural to grieve - that is just God healing those old wounds that were in my heart. It is strange to see my brothers and my mother in my mind as separate entities - not one big cohesive group. I'm sure I will get used to it as God leads me in a new direction.

I will end with this quote, "Smile even though your heart is breaking - that's the time you must keep on trying - Smile - what's the use of crying. You find that life is still worth while if you just Smile."

The Heart Exposed

2006

Full of fear. Fear of what? I'm not even sure. Snuffed out. I felt snuffed out. My dreams were snuffed out. Death snuffs out so much. My heart was snuffed out. It was more than I could bear...the pain, the disappointment, the confusion. The loss was more than I could bear. There was no where to turn. I turned inwardly, and my world was rocked. I just had to make it through. Through what? Life I guess. I became like a robot. I became a conglomeration of what everyone in my life saw me as. I was this person for so long, that I'm only now discovering who I really am. It's freeing, yet so painful at the same time. I'm having to relearn me. I'm grieving the loss of myself. I hate that life. I am angry. I have so much to be thankful for, yet I hurt. I hurt so much. God has given me new desires, dreams, passions. Really God has given me back an old dream with a new passion for it...a dream that I thought would never even be possible. God has even shown me that I need to declare that these dreams are mine and that they are a reality. I've declared it, but this constant fight with my flesh is crippling. I'm so tired of having this shadow of death over me. I'm angry at it. It has taken the first 36 years of my life. Even today, I fight myself. It is so engrained in my flesh to start consoling myself...to tell myself that it doesn't matter if things don't go the way I want them to. IT DOES MATTER!!! IT DOES!!! I am shouting...NO MORE!!! IN JESUS NAME, I TAKE AUTHORITY OVER IT, AND I SCREAM, NO MORE!!!! I will not go back down that road. I know I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me. I know my Father wants to give me good and perfect gifts. I know that my Lord came and fought for me so that I may have life, abundant life. I give this pain and the identify that came with it to you Father. I give you all of my love and the depths of my heart. I give you the pits in my heart that the enemy dug to cause me grief and pain and turmoil. I know those pits are no more and my heart is filled with your love. I stand before You naked with a raw heart totally surrendered to You. I'm thankful for my dreams and desires. But more than anything, I'm thankful for YOU. I know You know the heartfelt emotion behind those words. Only You know the depths of my heart and the depths of my emotions. Thank you, Father, for New Life. Thank You for a life to spend with You. Thank You for redemption. Thank You that I am who You made me to be!! Simply Thank You!

His Favor

March 2007

As usual, I don't know where to start writing. I've got so much that I want to share.

Around December of this past year I felt prophetically that I was going to be pregnant by March. I even knew that it would be February when I would find out - right before March began. I found out on February 25th that I was pregnant. Chuck and I were so excited. We decided after I miscarried in October to just put everything in God's hands. We knew we would be pregnant again in His timing. We were at peace. In the beginning of February, God gave me dreams...specific dreams regarding my children. My brother also had a dream that I was pregnant. It was so surreal when we found out. We were so in awe of God's faithfulness.

I called my doctor and went in for blood work on February 26th. They wanted to make sure everything was ok with this pregnancy. I never heard back from my doctor, which I knew meant everything was fine. However, every day I had to fight the fear of another miscarriage. Every day I had to wake up and pray and give my fear to God. I didn't think I had the strength to walk through another miscarriage. I've wanted children for so long. I just had to believe that everything would be ok. God had told me I was going to be pregnant. I had to believe it was His will for me to have this baby.

On Thursday, March 8th I woke up to get ready for work. I discovered that I was bleeding quite heavily. My heart dropped. I called in sick. I began praying for my baby. I emailed all of my prayer warriors, and I knew they were praying also. The bleeding died down. Before I left to go to the doctor (about 2 hours after I woke up to the bleeding), all of the bleeding had stopped. I was encouraged by that. I went to the doctor...she did an internal ultrasound. She didn't see the baby, but she didn't expect to since it was so early in the pregnancy. She did, however, see something on my cervix that was abnormal. Her fear was that it was an ectopic pregnancy...meaning the baby had implanted in my cervix rather than my uterus. Chuck and I went home. We prayed on the way home, and I really felt like everything was fine even though the doctor wasn't very encouraging. I had blood work done while I was at the doctor, and they were going to call me with the results on Friday. God was with us the entire time of waiting. He really took away all of the anxiety of having to wait.

Chuck and I got up early on Friday morning. We spent an hour praying together. That morning, I read the scripture John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid". We declared this scripture over ourselves. We really felt the peace of God. The doctor called me Friday around 11am. He told me that I was definitely having a miscarriage and there was no way this pregnancy would continue. He was still concerned that it was an ectopic pregnancy, so he told me to come back on Monday (today) for more blood work to determine if it was ectopic. He told me if it wasn't ectopic, then I would miscarry in 2 days to 2 weeks. If it was ectopic, then I would have to have something done to eliminate the pregnancy.

I was honestly shocked by his news. I really thought everything was ok. I called Chuck and let him know. I came in the house (I had been running errands), and I cried my eyes out and called out to God. After I stopped crying, I really felt the peace of God on me. I stopped and thought about how I had said I didn't have the strength to walk through another miscarriage, yet there I was walking through it again, and I was ok. I never had to have the strength. That is the point I was missing. My strength comes from God, and He was with me. Chuck left work to be with me. When he got home, I looked at him and said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but I'm ok." He told me he was ok also.

I learned so much through this. I praise God for what I have experienced. I finally understand what it means to feel the joy of the Lord when you are walking through painful things. I feel even more in awe of God. This is what it truly means to be a child of God. I've read those scriptures that talk about the joy of the Lord through trials, but I honestly never thought it was really possible to feel it. I feel like God has brought me to a new level of intimacy. Greater intimacy with Christ is my heart's strongest desire. I feel God's favor right now...greater than I have ever felt it. It is so hard to describe how I feel. It sounds strange to say I feel God's favor after I have just had a second miscarriage, yet I absolutely feel it. Going through a second miscarriage took away all of my fear. I've died unto self a little more through this. It is God that gets me through everything. Without Him, the pain would be unbearable.

I know that Chuck and I will have children. I don't know when. I feel encouraged even still. I'm walking with God. He is in control. That is all I need to know. I'm sure that He has a plan and purpose with all of this. I trust Him completely. Maybe one day I will know why this happened...maybe I won't. It doesn't really matter. All that matters is that I have a Father that loves, adores and protects me. He knows what is best.

Tormented Heart

2006

Tormented. Somehow Numb. Somehow Blind.
Longing for intimacy...longing for something so deep and passionate. Longing to go to a place I've never been. Knowing there is something more without even experiencing it.
Longing for simpler times. Longing for innocence. Longing for purity. Longing for a world that isn't corrupt.

Anger. Anger at the enemy for taking something so precious. Shock at the depths of hurt and pain that have been there for what feels like forever.

Forgiving. Breathing. Resting. Being still. Having Peace.

Surrendering. Waiting. Expecting. Knowing.

Pure. Compassion. Passion. Beauty. Love. Complete.

Heart of Stone

Tuesday, July 03, 2007


Heart of Stone

There was once a little girl longing to be comforted and consoled.
She got neither.
She grew into an older girl still wanting to be comforted and consoled a little.
She got neither.
In that empty place where there was no comfort or consolation, a stone formed.
Her heart was now hard.

She became a young woman...still there was no one there to comfort or console her. She didn't want it anyway at this point. What in the world was comfort? What did it mean to be consoled? With each new hurt and each new day, that stone became harder and harder.

A woman now with someone to comfort and console her. She didn't know how to receive it. It made her whole body freeze up and become hard just like that stone.

Day by day the ice was melting because of His warmth. She began to want and need His comfort. That stone was keeping her from all of Him. He removed the stone from her heart, and He showed it to her. He bent down on His knees and held it in His hand and looked at her lovingly. He asked her what He should do with it. She begged Him to get rid of it and to fill the hole in her heart with His love. He tossed the stone away, and it was never to return. He, still on His knees, looked her in the eyes lovingly. Next He held her still and put both of His hands on her arms, and He leaned in and kissed with the passion and zeal of a red-hot flame the empty hole in her heart. She could feel the warmth of His breath melting away the years of pain. Time stood still for her.

Another piece of her heart was completely His. She was even more deeply in love with her Savior.

Seven Years Is But A Day

November 12, 2007

Seven years is but a day.

Must my soul be purged to get relief? Must it be exposed and bare?

Will the flood gate that is holding back tears open up or will the steel trap that is pressing down the venomous fire in my gut be removed?

How could someone prey on such vulnerability? You wolf in sheep's clothing!! I rebuke you. How could you abuse my heart that way? How was I so blinded by you? I'm upset with myself for not knowing better. I'm angry at the devil for knowing where my weaknesses were when I didn't even know myself. I'm angry at the unraveled path of destruction this caused. I'm so angry my head is spinning, my soul is convulsing, my gut is on fire. Oh, but I have a double-edged sword to get me through. Seven years is but a day, and I know that my joy will come in the morning.

I pray for Holy fire to burn that which has caused death. I thank God for new life. I forgive you as I have been forgiven.